South Island, New Zealand – our wee bus

Here we are, all the lads…

Florian, A Bank, Switzerland. Combines his inbuilt love of chocolate and money by working in a bank that deals solely in chocolate coins. Left NZ with a new Tinder profile.

Ed, Devon, England. Ed’s Asian, no his eyes aren’t closed and he isn’t asleep. Ed got racially abused the entire trip. He plays guitar, and has the voice of an “angle”. Everyone liked Ed.

Staci, San Francisco, USA. An avid Donald Trump supporter, heartless nurse, her mom has it going on. Spent the trip chasing me; she was told no more than once. Staci hated everyone – so much so she left for the airport a day early.

Maraike, Rotorua, NZ. German, on the run in NZ, posing as an au pair. Skills – whipping people with towels and throwing herself into everything going. Now a qualified pilot.

Stefi B, Ski Slopes, Switzerland. Another chocolate and money obsessed Swiss National, always taking annoying pictures, said “ok” a lot which turned out she hadn’t a clue what you meant, acting Ed in this picture.

Anna – Bern, Switzerland. A newly qualified dentist who’s oral hygiene made up for a distinct lack of any other hygiene. Washed once the entire trip. Looks like a guppy when sad, so most of the time. Off to Oz to offend more nostrils.

Stefi H, tbc, Germany. Is never wrong, knows all sorts of random facts, and is never wrong. Sister to Bastian – poor Bastian.

Bastian, Germany. Brother to Stefi H, human dustbin, possessor of the largest appetite and loudest trousers ever witnessed by the Maoris. Ate his way around the South Island, as well as everyone else’s leftovers. Loves speed core, true story.

Ole, Germany. Likes eggs and bacon, bacon and eggs, and any combinations of the above. Heading to Oz next to eat all their bacon. Net Nemo.

Garreth, between Portsmouth and Southampton, England. Resident comedian, now fluent in German, French, English and bullshit. Started life as a child movie star in a popular franchise but became a heroin addict. Dated Mila Kunis for a while. Seems to be back on track now. All round top fella.

Peter, Northampton, England. AKA the BFG. Heart of gold, belying his inhuman size. We all liked Pete, particularly me as he is the only person more injury prone than me. And he gives good hugs. Only ever flys first class.

Olivia, Essex, England. Not an Essex girl as spent the majority of the trip a normal colour, vomited on a dolphin. Off to Oz to be all dramatic over there for a few weeks. These are Liv’s actual teeth.

Rachel, outside Manchester somewhere, England. AKA Baby Rach. Helped me save a lamb, and a little lamb herself. Hit her up for any agriculture related questions, or tea. All right chuck.

Iona, outside Manchester somewhere, England. Butter wouldn’t melt, partner in crime to Rachel. Both threw themselves in at the deep end and survived. Off to Oz for more adventures. Another wee star.

Sarah, somewhere in Germany. Spent the first week of the trip sick, the entire trip speaking to me in German, and ate deep breaths of air – Bastian are the rest.

Elisha, Canada. Known as Canada the entire trip thanks to child movie star, Garreth. Got a tattoo, did every activity going and generally had a ball hogging the front bus seat.

Laura, tbc, England. This lady apparently teaches children, but thankfully not anywhere near me. Random word generator. Thinks black cows are bears. Afraid of everything, including breathing. Provided endless ammunition for bad manners and took it all smiling, not a care in the world. Top lady.

Cailin, Newry, Ireland. TBC (have another 5 days on the north Island with this one so will hold fire….)

Catharina, Germany. Quiet, unassuming, deadly – pretended she couldn’t speak fluent English as a rouse to fool us all, while she sat back and silently judged us all. Headed home to mark a load of school papers and enjoy some quiet time.

Cory, Auckland, NZ. Our driver, aka Giggles/Skittles/Catch. Endless nattering on the bus, shoulder pillow to Laura’s sleeping, organiser of all our fun, super lad. What more can I say than Chur bro.

And that’s the merry bunch – what a team to tour the South Island with, thanks all of you.

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